The Importance of Grieving and Closure

Edited 2/1/2014

     Looking back to three years ago I sometimes can not even recognize myself. As I stand back in time staring at my reflection I see a woman standing before me. Her brown eyes reddened from years of sadness she held locked inside her. That sadness chipped away at her soul little by little until she too was at the brink of death. I'm standing in front of a mirror, but who is this woman before me? Memories flood back to me as if the damn that was built inside of me to keep the hurt away came crashing down. Three years ago I was filled with anxiety. Debilitating anxiety that something would happen to my family-to my son. Would he stop breathing in his sleep? Would he fall at the babysitters on his head? What if he somehow got out of the school and ran out in the street? What if he is in the car with his grandmother and they get into an accident? Once these thoughts are in my head there is NO TURNING BACK. Eddie’s first day of school I sat in the parking lot the entire time. What If? What If? What If?

     Finally one morning I looked into the mirror and I realized the woman looking back at me was begging me for help. Her eyes were worn from the constant worrying. I began my journey with a few therapists who helped me come to terms with where all the anxiety and fear stemmed from. The death of my first son Dylan Thomas. Three years ago I wouldn't talk about my story the way I do now. People knew of my loss, and I had to give the information during past medical history questionnaires, but that was just facts. That was not MY story.

     I sat down one night and let my story exit the deepest corners of my mind and trickle out onto the keyboard. I felt a release that nothing else in the world has ever given me. It was as if the heavy blackness that was strangling my soul was released and I watched it disintegrate like ash from a flame that was put out. Here is my story.

     2003: I was an 18 year old high school senior pregnant with her first baby. It was not the ideal situation in the least. The pregnancy was not planned, I was frightened, and I had my doubts. I had dreams of going to college and becoming a nurse and publishing a book-becoming a pregnant teen was not on my mind. My support system was pretty much non existent except for a couple amazing teachers who pretty much saved my life. I really don’t even think they know how much they did. Ms. Coates and Mr. Masi were my angels that year. They never passed judgment and they supported me. For an 18 year old girl who felt the world was on her shoulders, I just could never thank you both enough.

      Against my will I made an appointment to go to the abortion clinic. The atmosphere was cold as I looked around the waiting room. My heart was beating so fast as I looked over to my boyfriend with just as much fear in his eyes. I filled out piles of paperwork and met with a woman who broke down the procedure nonchalantly as if I was at the dentist for an annual cleaning. No big deal. Panicked I got up, got dressed, and bolted from the facility. Although the situation was not ideal I chose to keep the baby, despite being pressured by many to have an abortion. We later found out I was carrying a little boy. I chose the name Dylan Thomas because of my obsession with the great Bob Dylan and the writer Dylan Thomas. I saw his heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor, felt his little feet kick me, and just prayed that God would take care of me and this innocent baby. I stayed in school, worked part time, clipped coupons, planned his Cat in the Hat nursery, and would day dream about all the things I would teach him. I loved him and I often wondered if he could feel my love.

     March 20, 2003 , 7 months pregnant I woke up to swollen legs and feeling very dizzy. My boyfriend’s mother dismissed me as being lazy and my boyfriend left me at home and went to work. I made a doctors appointment and called a dear friend of mine to take me. Within moments of checking in they had me lie down. Nurses and doctors were frantically making calls and running around the office. I was just at the doctors a few days ago for a check up and everything was fine. What was going on. I would later find out my blood pressure was 210 over 120 (normally 115/80). I was rushed across the street to the hospital where the rest the story was almost a blur.

     Before I knew it I was lying in a room with an IV of Magnesium sulfate dripping into my veins. The nurses told me they were not allowing my then estranged family into the room with me because they were afraid I would stroke out or have a seizure from any type of stimulation. I sat in the quiet room in a haze of drugs and worry. Next thing I know I was being prepped for a C-Section. All of a sudden I was laying in the cold operating room surrounded by what felt like a thousand people. There was no time for an epidural so I would need to be put under. I begged the nurses to please not put me under until I spoke with the doctor. Please Please Please! I begged as if I was begging for my life. The doctor came in and I knew I needed to ask soon. “Will the baby be ok?” “We are not sure,” she replied. “I know this is selfish-but will I be ok?” I will never forget one kind nurse with tears running down her face as she grabbed my hand and told me that was not a selfish question and she would make sure I was ok. Later I would find out I almost died. I was actually moments from stroking out. Even after the C-Section I was in ICU.

     When I awoke from the anesthesia there was my family, my boyfriend’s family and the doctors. I was told Dylan had Hydrops fetalis and they were doing all they can but we should bring in a priest. Before I knew it I was holding my lifeless son surrounded by people and a priest-but never felt more alone in the world.

     From that day on EVERYONE in my life acted as if it never even happened. As if Dylan had never existed. I was told “It is better this way. God was doing you a favor.” Most of my “friends” NEVER asked me how I was dealing, how I was feeling. Not one time. I remember my boyfriend going to a party at his house days later as I sat in the hospital. Were they celebrating? I remember my “friends” literally acting as if the whole thing was a relief. I was told to get over it. As if this was just a late term abortion to them. I started to feel guilty for feeling sadness. I suppressed my grief deep down into my soul. I was NOT allowed to feel sadness because I was a teen mom and because he was only a newborn. I was NOT allowed to cry. I was NOT allowed to feel pain. Eventually I was made to feel crazy when I had my nervous breakdown months later. I was told I was crazy by my friends and the people I cared about the most.

     Then just 4 weeks after my emergency C-Section I got a call from the school. I needed to start my school work or I would not graduate. NO sympathy. I was NOT allowed. A few days later I received a call from the gym teacher. I would need to play Tennis or fail gym. Pick a day and meet him. I JUST HAD A C-SECTION and LOST MY SON!!!! No one cared. I should not care…..I was not allowed to care.

     After graduating in June 2003 I self medicated.We will skip the graphic details of this time of my life for now. I was numb. I was dead. I wanted to die.

     By September 2003 I moved back home and got clean, and have been ever since. But even though we dealt with a few things-I never worked out Dylan’s death. I just repressed it and learned to deal. I learned to trust, to love, and to live. But I never grieved and I never had closure and so it all started coming back out when I gave birth to my son Edward. The fears of losing this little boy CONSUMED me. I felt like I had to do whatever it took to prevent the unknown.

2012 I finally met a therapist who made me write about Dylan. He made me talk about Dylan. He helped me release the darkness, and I will forever be grateful to him. I went back to school to follow my dreams of being a nurse and graduated valedictorian of my class. Here I am, pregnant in high school with many people assuming my life to be over and I am succeeding. It is amazing what you can accomplish when you release the darkness that strangles your light. I will be finally having a burial for my son this year, as I realized that is the last piece of releasing the sadness. Right now his ashes are at my parents house. He deserves a proper send off.    

My hopes with this blog entry is to 

1.) Finally tell my story as if it was my story 

and 

2.) Help reach out to others who have had a loss. It doesn't matter if you are 16 or 50. It doesn't matter if you were 5 weeks pregnant or 9 months pregnant. It doesn't matter if your child was 1 or 20. The loss of a baby, of a child is a loss. It is OK to grieve. It is OK to cry. It is OK to mourn. You are ALLOWED. I now volunteer my time at Grieve Out Loud, a pen pal community for those who have gone through infant and child loss.

I looked back at the woman in the mirror one last time and watched as the fear and sadness in her eyes turned to relief and calmness. A small smile begins to form at the corner of her mouth and she nods as if to thank me for giving her life back.

 This is a poem I wrote for my son that I will read and send off with him at the ceremony:

 I never got to see your eyes

Or feel your fingers wrap around mine

You were needed much more by the Lord above

Something I would learn in time

Did you hear my voice talk to you

At night when I couldn’t sleep

Did you know that when you left

My heart broke and I would weep

I often see the stars up above

Twinkling fast and free

And I hope and pray that you knew

How much you meant to me

We didn't have much time, you and I

Before the Lord called you to the home above

You were much too special for this earth

But please know that you were loved

               -CMZ 09/10/2012

A Letter to My Sweet Boy. 19 Things I Hope You Learn.

To my sweet little boy,

     In a couple of months you are going to be three and then shortly after that you will be starting preschool. Time is whizzing by and I am savoring each special moment you bring to my life. However I can not slow down time and you are on your way and growing up before my eyes. Here is what I hope you learn, my love.

1.) To be PROUD to be a citizen of the United States. My heart aches for the children whose lives are severely affected by Joseph Kony- and that is only one tiny example of the tragedies that occur in other countries. We my not agree totally on what our government does but we are truly blessed and we should never forget that.

2.) You father and I will support you no matter what you choose to be when you grow up. As long as you follow your dreams and you are happy. In the past few months it has been: Paleontologist, Circus Man, Fire Fighter, and a Trash Truck Driver. Remember...as long as you are happy...we are happy for you.

 3.) It is OK to get dirty...Just have fun. 

4.) It is OK to cry. Crying does not mean you are weak. We all have emotions and it is OK to express them. We all have moments of sadness and frustration-we are human.

 

5.) How to cook. One day your wife will appreciate it!

 

6.) You are only 3 and I love your enthusiasm on helping with house chores. You certainly take after your daddy. Mommy is very lucky  :) It is nice to help each other out.

7.) It is OK to indulge every once in a while.......

 

8.) It is important to stay active and healthy as well. 

 

9.) Learn how to be handy with tools....it will save you a lot of money one day.

10.) One day you will fall in love. I hope you become the kind of man your father is. Respectful and kind. Sweet and playful. A best friend. I also hope you will continue to pick your mother flowers even when you have this love in your life.

11.) When you grow up you may move away. For school, for a career, or even for a love. I hope you always remember where you came from and that our door is always open. We love you more than words could ever express. Never forget or doubt our love for you and for each other.

12.) The most important thing in life is to be yourself. UNLESS you can be Batman. ALWAYS be Batman.

 

13.) But remember even superhero's need their rest.

14.) If you promise to keep your love for learning and reading I promise to keep you interested. I will always make learning fun for you ...at least for as long as I can.

15.) One day you will learn to drive. The day will come where you will pass your drivers test and be handed a license and a set of keys. Please resist the urge to "race' with your buddies... it is dangerous and careless and lots of lives have been lost that way.

16.) Be a good friend.

 

17.) Be nice to animals.

18.) Bad thing will happen in life. We may not always understand why..but life does go on. It is true what they say, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." Always keep your faith.

19.) When you smile everyone will smile with you. Never lose that charm. Be silly. Laugh loud. Love life.

With Love,

Mommy

Quality Time weighs more than Quantity Time-My journey to Realization

     What would you do with extra hours in a day? More days in a week? An extra week in the year? Would you you take an extra weeks vacation, make time to join the gym, or finish that scrapbook of your child's first year of life...even though he is almost three? 

     I could sit here and daydream for hours of the sweetness that extra time would bring but then I would be wasting some of the precious few minutes I have in the morning. The moment in between the time my husband kisses me good-bye and heads for work and my son awakens from his peaceful sleep in room adjacent from ours. Cup of coffee in hand, some music, and my writing. My Zen moment.

     I learned pretty early in life that it isn't about how much time you don't have but more about how you use the time you do have. This especially came to reality after I had my son....or around when he turned 2 and a half months old. That is when I ventured back into the workforce. I left work as an employee on maternity leave and came back a scared new mom with two jobs and the one at home being the most important.

Working 9-5 with a 45 minute to an  hour commute one way has it's struggles. In the beginning I found myself sad and then angry at the fact that I only had 2 hours a day to really spend with my husband and son. And now with Ed's new job at Fedex by the time he gets home we hardly have an hour to spend together during the week before we are passed out in bed. Then I realize that I am lucky to still get to fall asleep in his arms every night.

     I pulled myself together and realized that it isn't about quantity it really is about quality. No matter how much time you spend with your children or grandchildren if you aren't making memories then you are wasting time.We have had a few family members upset with us in the past because we couldn't squeeze in extra days in the month to visit every weekend. A battle that I am sure we all find ourselves in. I wanted to yell sometimes, "Stand in line -we all want more time with this little boy." In the same sense I understood the frustration as I wished we could see them all the time as well. We did , in fact, enjoy their company very much. The fact of the matter is, however, that we are splitting up the weekends between both sets of families, our closest friends, as well as leaving a few precious days for just the three of us. They would have to learn to make the most out of the time they had. We all did. Unfortunately being in the same room as someone when your attention is focused on cooking, cleaning, work, and phone calls isn't making memories and isn't savored time. 

     From the moment I pick Eddie up from daycare to the time he is in bed under the covers I am making memories with him. In the car he tells me about his day and we sing a few songs. Sometimes he asks me to tell him stories. His favorite story right now is bout Eddie the Paleontologist that goes to the dessert to look for fossils. Last week it was about Eddie the knight who fought the ferocious dragon and saved the King and Queen.(Whom he named Mommy and Daddy.) I savor the 15 minute car ride to our home. Sometimes he just wants it to be quiet and that is OK too. I tell him.sometimes mommy likes the quiet as well.

     The next 120 minutes is pure quality time. Eat dinner at the table as a family and then we go with the flow depending on how Eddie feels. Sometimes is painting, sometimes it is play dough, or train sets, or reading, or even a movie. During the warmer months it is always a walk around the block or running around our backyard. The dinner dishes sit in the sink, the jackets lay on the couch, and lets be honest I am most like not touching that laundry pile tonight....or tomorrow. (Have you picked up on the fact I hate laundry, yet?)

     One thing I do know is that when Eddie says to me "Remember yesterday, mommy...we had a picnic in the living room? That was fun! Remember?!" I see that he wont look back and remember that his mom was only home a few hours a day but he will remember the memories we made each and every single savory second we had. 

Exhale.....Sigh...Smile

So tell me ...just for fun, "What would you do with an extra hour in a day, day in a week, week in a month, month in a year?"

With an extra hour I would make it a point to exercise a full hour straight....or maybe take a nice relaxing bath. (yea I like that one better)

With an extra day I would make sure to visit family every single week since we would still have two full days (that is, of course if the extra day was a weekend..in my world it would be)

With an extra week I would take a two week vacation somewhere beautiful like Italy or Colombia and really get to explore and see the culture (Although I'm sure two weeks still wouldn't be enough time to see it all)

With an extra month I would take a class....something just for me. Painting, Salsa dancing, A CSI class (I saw one in an advertisement before looked interesting!)

I want to hear from you!

Superman's mommy must have enjoyed a few cocktails....

    When my husband and I first found out we were having a baby boy we were just thrilled to be blessed with a healthy addition to our little family. As a self proclaimed girly girl and world renowned worry wort I didn't quite know what to expect. Growing up it was just my sister and myself and our days consisted of dollies with long silky hair, Barbies with enough accessories to fill two Barbie Dream Houses, and my personal favorite- playing dress-up with our mother's old dresses and high-heels.

    I understood the physiological differences between boys and girls but no "What to Expect" book could really prepare me for whirlwind I was in store for.....and he is only pushing three!!

    From the moment he began to crawl he was interested in all he could get his hands on. If we told him no just once it made it all that more appealing to him. It was not in defiance but more pure unadulterated curiosity that drove him to try to figure out what things were, how they work,  and why in world is it making mommy act like a crazy person. He will take apart his new toy in minutes only to try to put it back together. (I believe we have an engineer on our hands)

    In the end, however, it is that part of his personality I love the most. The curious, adventurous, learn from trying attitude. And with a glass of wine (or two....ok or three) at the end of the week I might be able to keep my heart from jumping out of my chest during those "learning experiences".

Top 13 Things I have Learned (So Far) From Being A Mommy Of A Boy (AKA Super Hero)

1.) Diaper changes require a certain skill and cat-like reflexes in the early months. Be prepared ..there will be at least one time that he pees on you, your hair, the dresser, and the ceiling...all while trying to get out the door for work.

2.) There will be a time in your little boy's life that you will be the most beautiful girl in the world through their eyes. Nothing melts the heart more than a little voice that says, "Mommy you pretty" with tiny arms around your neck. Enjoy it now...pretty soon they will have posters of the next Brittney Spears plastered on their bedroom walls.

3.) Those decorative throw pillows you so very carefully took the time to pick out when you first got married..ensuring it matched the decor to a T....will now be used as a landing pads for the super hero's "flight tests".

4.) Oh and those decorative throw blankets are now forts....

5.) Nothing in this world can make a boo-boo or upset tummy feel better more than mommy's kisses and hugs.

6.) Little boys play pretend too...and even dress up. However the dresses are replaced with kitchen towel "capes" and the high heels are replaced with colander "knight's armor". But don't worry...you will always play the role as the damsel in distress or princess. (I taught my little one to say Queen Bee instead of princess )

7.) Naturally little boys have more energy than little girls. They need ample time to "run off steam" during the day. I first noticed this difference at a mommy and me class when Eddie was just barely a year. He was the only little boy in class and would not sit still like the rest of the class. The teacher laughed and said, "Oh- he is all boy! I have 3 of them at home!"

8.) The trying times when you are so stressed out and fed up that you don't want to give your attention are the times your attention and affection are most needed.

9.) He will try to slide down a flight of stairs head first

10.) If you are not a bug person...you will have to learn to embrace the fact that he is. Just think now you have another man in the house to "save" you from that giant spider.

11.) His little voice saying "I love you, Mommy" is the best sound in the whole world

12.) Every little boy needs a strong male figure to look up to. It doesn't always have to be the biological father. In Eddie's case he is lucky to have his own super hero daddy to look up to.

13.) Never underestimate the calming effects of a good cocktail at the end of the week

So tell me.....what are some things you have learned raising boys??

Summertime in a child's eyes....

Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer
You'll wish that summer could always be here-Nat King Cole

     A young baby faced boy sits on the bench swinging his feet back and forth. His cheeks are blushed pink from the sun’s warm rays and his eyes are as blue as the clear skies above. He sinks his teeth into the juiciest slice of watermelon with a smile. By his side is his loyal companion. A 4 year old bichon frise not quite 10 lbs. Her overgrown white coat is getting stained pink from the juice dripping down the boys arms. She licks the boys hands and face enjoying the sweet treat. Giggles echo in the summer breeze.

      Refreshed and cooled from his snack the boy gets up and looks around wide eyed at the family’s yard. In his eyes the modest sized yard is the size of a football field and filled with so many options for the day.

      Ahh summertime in a child’s eyes. It ignites all the senses including the innocent 6^th sense-imagination. The brightly colored summer fruit and snacks are just as delicious to see at as they are to taste: a bowl of deep red cherries or a deep purple popsicle. The smells that fill the air scream summertime: the salty ocean breeze, the bbq grills from the neighborhood cookouts, and my favorite- the smell of a freshly cut lawn. The sounds of summer that whisper in your ear: children laughing, waves crashing, crickets singing, music paying, wind chimes chiming and plastic tricycle wheels hitting the cement. You can feel the sand between your toes and the warm sun on your back.

      The little boy makes his way over to the side of the house and lifts the doormat up. He kneels down to take a closer look at his discovery. “Look mama, a bug a bug!” He watches the ants scatter and tries to pick one up. When unsuccessful he puts the mat back down and runs towards his pool and jumps in. Splash. “Arr Matey,” he says. His mama nods. “Today is a very good day to be a pirate, little one,” she says. “Now where to captain?”

Wake up Slow....

This song

It's meant to keep you

From doin' what your supposed to

Like wakin' up too early

Maybe we could sleep in

I'll make you banana pancakes

Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time...Jack Johnson 

        My husband and I have a little house rule that we both try to live by. Every single day when those reports have been handed in, the computers have been shut down, and we step foot out of the stuffy office and into fresh air we are officially on vacation. We erase any of the days stresses- day care drop offs/ pickups, 9 am meetings, the constant ringing of the office telephones, and that nagging pile (you know the “I really don’t feel like doing that but how long can that pile sit there” work) and breathe a sigh a relief. We make the most of the rest of the evening together. And even though it seems as though we don’t have many hours left in the day we find a way to pack in so much togetherness and laughter that is seems as though we were never even away from home. We eat dinner as a family, take a walk or go to the park, and just enjoy the rest of what the day has to offer. But my favorite part of the day is when we all crawl into bed together. The three of us under the fluffy white down comforter like a cloud in heaven. We cuddle, we read, we laugh….a time where we truly have each other’s undivided attention. And like clockwork every single night Eddie’s eyes get heavy around 8:30pm and he falls asleep in between Ed and I. We carry him to his crib where he sleeps till morning and the rest of the night is for the two of us.

       Just like we end the day on Friday nights we begin it on Saturday mornings. As soon as Eddie wakes up Ed or myself carries him from his crib into our room where we just lay in bed a little longer. Watch a show, read a book…wake up slow. We have been doing this since the moment we carried our precious new bundle home. “There is a special connectedness that happens there, a family in bed, socks on our feet, and no agendas to tend too. Monday through Friday our lives are filled with other people. Saturday mornings are just for us.” Then we make breakfast as a family (Eddie LOVES to stir the pancake batter) and we see what the rest of the day brings.

       Many people have given us their opinions and advice about letting Eddie fall asleep in our bed. “Don’t let your kids sleep in your bed-you will create a bad habit” “You will spoil them” “It will ruin your marriage.” All meant well I am sure(and I am sure I would think differently if it weren’t for the fact that from 8pm to 8 am Eddie sleeps in his own room)….but I will never forget my best friend telling me once about an episode of Rachel Ray where Salma Hayek talked about her children. When asked what was the best advice she has ever gotten she said her mother once told her, “Always rock your babies to sleep because one day they will be too big and you will wish you could hold them again.” One day my children will be too big to cuddle. They will have other places to be on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings.One day they will have their own families to wake up slow with…..but until then I am going to savor every single cuddle, kiss, and hug I have. <3 

A poem for my little boy...

Inspiration: This morning my husband took my car to get a much needed oil change. It was just me and my little boy at home. He had just eaten breakfast and was playing with his toys. As I was cleaning the kitchen up I turned and noticed he had climbed onto the kitchen chair all by himself so that he could reach his sippy cup. Usually he grabs my leg and says, "cup"...but today he did it on his own. This is for him:

The moment I laid eyes on you I knew it was love

A sweet little baby, a gift from above

Was placed in my arms all bundled with care

Our growing family, no longer just a pair

And now I see your sweet little face full innocent wonder

Believing in flying, even if it is in slumber

Chasing fireflies in the night with not a care in the world

Not sure what to make of those sparkling swirls

Through the past year you have learned how to walk

How to smile and giggle and even to talk

But there are some things in life I want you to know

To never forget as you continue to grow

Don’t ever lose your childhood dreams

Even though people may tell you they can’t be reached

Because ANYTHING is possible if you just believe

With hard work and determination it can all be achieved

But for now come to your parents, when things are too high

No need to rush to grow up when we are by your side

For as long as you can try to stay in the present

When your laughter and soul is nothing but innocent. 
                             ~Christina Zambrano 

Confessions of a Modern Day Busy Woman

     Rewind to the year 1950: A young fresh faced mother wakes up before her husband and children and quietly gets herself ready for the day. Her hair and makeup is flawless as she steps into her perfectly ironed and fitted green and white house dress. Topped with a pair of white heels. She heads to the kitchen where she makes a full course breakfast of pancakes, fresh cut fruit, and bacon. Coffee is poured and the family heads into the kitchen and sits at the table. When finished she walks them to the door kisses them all and hands them their lunch as they head off to work and school. And now it is time to scrub the floors (on her hands and knees), dust the entire house, makes all the beds, vacuum, clean the blinds..oh and have dinner ready by the time her husband comes home.

     Fast Forward to the present year: A young college student is stressed trying to juggle her studies and her full time job all the while trying to balance a relationship with her boyfriend, friends, and family. A young mom wakes up late rushes around the house trying to get everyone up all the while getting herself ready for her 9 to 5. She throws her family nutrigrain bars on their way out for breakfast. NO makeup and hair pulled up in a ponytail. After work she rushes home to prepare the quickest dinner possible (hot dogs and potatoes anyone?) By the time they are done it is 7 pm and those dishes are waiting in the sink until tomorrow. Now it is time to spend an hour of quality time with her husband and children.

     Whether you are single and holding two jobs, married with a hectic schedule, or have children to care for we are all busy in the year 2010……So ladies, I want your input. What are some of your modern day busy woman confessions?

 Here are mine:

• I confess that I would rather rerun the dryer to avoid folding laundry. I have let laundry sit in the dryer for a few days. I loathe folding laundry. 

• I confess that when Eddie throws food on the floor I don’t even bother picking it up because I know Lucy will get it for me! Ahh I love having a dog.

• I confess that I use a swifter wet jet to do the floors (This mama has no time for scrubbing them the old way anymore. I used to when it was just Ed and me) and I use Clorox wipes to clean the entire bathroom except for once a month when I get a chance to really clean it.

• I confess that I have never actually taken the blinds down to clean them…I just vacuum them…when I remember lol!

What are some of yours??

For every soul, there is a guardian watching it. Mine's name is Mary.

For every soul, there is a guardian watching it. ~

The Koran

   Three years ago yesterday one of the most important people in my life passed away, my grandmother. And for seven grandchildren she was not only our grandmother but our best friend and our rock.

   For months after her passing I felt robbed. While she was 78 years old she was so together and so young at heart. How could she have been taken from us so soon? But as the pain slowly disappeared I realized that I wasn’t robbed at all. I was, in fact, truly blessed and lucky to have had such an amazing woman in my life. Most people only dream about angels and we all had one in our lives, here on earth. Her name was Mary.

   Mary was truly an angel in the sense that she saw the good in almost everyone. Through the past 30 plus years each one of the grandchildren fell into hard times. At one point or another we were in pretty bad places. A group home, a teen pregnancy, the loss of a parent. And through it all she stayed strong and offered support and love that people could only dream about. She never compared and never passed judgment. Her love was unconditional.

   Fast forward to about 2 years after her passing, Ed and I had been married a year. Within that year we bought a home, a puppy, and were building out life together. We then decided we were ready to become parents. We were thrilled to find out shortly that we were expecting, but I had a feeling something was not right and we miscarried. We were devastated and heart broken. A few months later the doctor gave us the ok to start trying again and soon enough we were pregnant. But the first few months were not easy. I was bleeding a lot and had to be put on hormone pills to try to keep the pregnancy viable. One night in particular I broke down sobbing. So afraid that we were going to repeat history. Ed and I just held each other and prayed. I talked to my grandmother and told her how scared I was and how I wished so very much for her to be there so I could talk to her. Then Ed brought me a glass of water to calm me down. My hands were trembling so much that I spilled some on the bed…..this is what I saw when I looked down:

A baby footprint. She heard me! HE heard me! This was a sign that everything was going to be ok. From that moment on I wore my grandmother’s wedding ring. The same ring she was wearing when she took her last breath was the ring I was wearing when 8 months later my son took his first. And while at times I wish she was still here so could see Eddie an what a great job we are doing with him, Ed reminds me that she really is here with us.

 

• Special memories I have are of the sleepovers held at my grandmothers house for years (from childhood to adulthood) that consisted of my cousin Erica, my sister Alicia, and my self staying up all night giggling, eating entire bags of Peanut Chews, and pretty much annoying our poor grandmother. “Go To Bed!” She loved the company either way. Then the next morning she would put us to work…..pulling weeds in 100 degree weather or polishing her cabinets. And we loved to do it for her. She has done so much for us!
• At 78 years old she listened to Prince and Madonna. 

   To my grandmother, my best friend, my rock, and now my angel…….I love you so much and miss you everyday. Thank you for all of the life lessons and great memories you have given me.

My first blog entry.....

    On May 17, 2009 my life changed forever. It was the day I became a mother. I have learned more in 15 months than I have in the past 25 years. Things like how to change a diaper and that an 8 pound three week old is somehow strong enough to bust out of the tightest swaddle. I learned that schedules are crucial to a baby’s development and that means life revolves around their schedule. I discovered that kids songs can get stuck in your head for days and that your coworkers will learn them too without you even realizing it! I learned that it is possible to love another human being more than life itself and that even on the most stressful heart breaking days two little arms around your neck is far better then the most expensive bottle of wine. Most importantly I learned to live life everyday as if it was my first.

    We’ve all heard it before… “Live each day as if it were your last” often followed by something like “because someday it will be”. But after giving birth to my son and watching him discover new things everyday I learned that it is more important to live everyday as if it was your first. We all get so caught up in life’s everyday hum drum routine that we don’t take time to stop and enjoy all the details. Seeing the way Eddie’s eyes light up when he tries to “catch” the water coming from the backyard hose just puts me in awe. In that moment he is not thinking of a to-do list…he is enjoying the moment. Cool clear water slowly trickling from the bright yellow nosel into his tiny hands. When he takes a bright orange leaf into his hand he is not worried about what time it is or what’s for dinner. He is enjoying the moment. The bright colored leaf crunching between his fingers. All of his senses are in tuned to that single moment.

    Eddie, I vow to you that I will try my hardest to live in the moment with you. Between having a career, endless piles of laundry, dusting, bills, and dinners to prepare it is sometimes hard to clear my mind and think of just one thing. But seeing you enjoy each of life’s moments with such amazement makes me want to as well. Whether it is collecting rocks and sticks for your dump truck (his new favorite thing to do) or a tee ball game in the future mommy will be there not only physically but whole heartedly! I love you so much. You are only 15 months old and I can truly say you have been my greatest teacher. I look forward to learning many more things from each other.